Here’s My Heart – Loud.

It’s loud in my house tonight.

Somewhere downstairs, my kids are chasing away the evening with uncontrollable fits of laughter, swept up in the rush of carefree competition. Dishes tremble and the floors moan and complain beneath the thunderous parade of little, filthy feet. Voices and words and screams and cries are woven into the rumbling, like sparks of electricity bouncing around a storm, shocking the earth with bursts of light and excitement.

A fan is propped up in the open bedroom window, funneling the sweet smell of hay and fresh cut lawn. The ceiling fan ushers the warm, night air around the room behind me.

My baby is exercising her little legs, practicing her technique as she climbs the stairs and then slowly slides herself back down again. She shrieks with pride, pausing to clap and cheer for herself every few steps.

Somewhere in the distance I can hear a train as it passes through town. A dog is barking, a fly is buzzing, one of our cats is asking to be let in for the night…

#lifewithfourkids #itsalwaysloud #theresalwaysnoise #anddirt #andcompetition

***

It’s loud in my head tonight.

Thoughts and equations and questions and definitions are wandering aimlessly, carelessly colliding with each other, blissfully unaware of the chaos they are tossing about, unwilling to settle themselves…unwilling to leave.

Symptoms and results, phone calls and voicemails…emails and texts…words and terms and nothing concrete.

#yourbodyisfailing #butitcouldbenothing #butitsprobablysomething #butitsprobablynothing #but…

***

Besides all of the health issues and weirdness…

My life is loud.

Always.

***

Mostly, though…the loud…tonight it’s in my heart.

The very center of my soul is loud, heavy with fear and sadness and incredible selfishness. Anger burns hot, feeding the flames of doubt and worry as they lick away at a carefully constructed foundation of peace found only in my God – a God of love, a God of compassion and kindness. Loneliness is seeking refuge in pockets of emptiness, existing in the ruins of what was once a solid layer of courage and confidence.

In the center of my being, in what is normally a fairly calm, quiet refuge…there is a loudness – a chaotic, terribly confusing loudness that I’m struggling to smother.

#fearoftheunknown #itsneverbeenaproblemforme #untilnow

***

In the midst of all the noise, all of the loud, I’m trying to figure out how to keep living.

How do I continue to be a Mother?

How do I make sure that who I am is not lost in the fear of who I may become…

…or who I may NOT become?

What do I do to make sure that the things I’ve started, the life I’ve begun, continues to grow and bloom and produce and thrive…

…without me?

#whatif? #whowouldtheyremember? #whowouldibe? #whowouldtheybe? 

***

Thanks for being here, Friend.

It’s day one of holding my heart out to you. It’s raw and bleeding, bruised…

…but beating.

#heresmyheart #unflitered #beherewithme #thanksfriend

***

Love you. Love, Me.

***

 

Cheers –

Allison.

 

 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Lorie says:

    Beautiful, vulnerable and a voice to many who have been unable to put into words the feeling of fear, the feeling of shame and guilt for ‘not rejoicing in the trial’. Honest and raw. ♥️💔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. closetAuthor says:

      Thank you Lorie ❤ thank you for your constant love and support, always.

      Like

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