Not Awesome.

First off, I need to get something off of my chest.

When I sit down to write, I usually select a playlist to match my mood.

I turn it on and I wait. I try to get comfortable and I rid myself of irritations as the playlist offers up the goods. I very rarely find the right one on the first try. It’s normal, it can take a little bit of time to get everything in sync, to get just the right feel for just the right words. I know I’m not the only one, I know you get what I’m saying…

Music can inspire, it can draw out emotions and force us to be real.

So, anyway…tonight, when I sat down in my bed with a giant cup filled with AT LEAST half a gallon of ice water and I muted my phone and turned on a playlist that I HOPED would help me harness my RIDICULOUSLY irritated mood – as it was titled something like, “Dark Rage” – I just about lost my flipping mind when the very first song to pop up was…

Kelly Clarkson – “Since You’ve Been Gone”

#what #the #FLIP

(( so much for inspiration… ))

***

Ok seriously, though…now that I’ve gotten that out…

#prepareyourself #isettledonNaturesounds

So, anyway…today…

I tried the whole “don’t-whine-about-everything” thing a few times today and I ultimately just ended up dumping a whole bunch of whiny word vomit into the virtual laps of unfortunate pals who were online about twenty minutes ago.

Being my friend isn’t all that fun, I imagine.

The truth is, today has been hard…and I know what you’re thinking…

“When are her days NOT hard?”

(( insert your eye-roll here ))

I know. It’s tiresome. Everyone has hard days, we just have to try harder to enjoy the GOOD things!! Yeah, I know…but the truth is, I’m not good at that sometimes. AND the REST of the truth is…I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I just can’t. I’ve done the “pretend-I’m-normal” routine and I’ve failed so many times, I have a feeling some of you might think I have some kind of weird personality disorder.

(( One day she’s Super Mom and the next day she’s threatening to ship her kids to Asia…))

And this is where I have to tell you that if you’re looking for “normal”, you’ve followed the wrong blog. If you’re looking for happy-shiny-brightside-Mommy, well…you’re terribly lost. You should know that your Google search has brought you clicking through a very messy, very not-shiny mish-mash of pages that are filled with plenty of dirt and details of a life lived VERY imperfectly.

AND FINALLY, now that I’ve said all of that…

…if you plan to stick around…know that I’m whiny.

#dealwithit #orgetOUTTAhere

***

So, there…I’m feeling a little better. Now, allow me to fill you in on why I’m so flipping irritated. Please feel free to to take notes, as I’m sure there will be plenty to share with your pals over coffee tomorrow.

Everyone needs a good bit of gossip to go with their coffee…

Today started out as about any good day does, around here. I had – what is now a usual thing – a little bit of a scare around 3 AM as I had a horrible dream that my oldest had missed the bus for school. I woke up long enough to text my husband to remind him of the school schedule but then got distracted reading an email about a sale on my favorite candles and then my stomach realized I was awake and I HAD TO EAT SOMETHING or risk barfing.

Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing.

So, I ate waffles. Then I went back to sleep until my husband got home from night shift and crawled into bed. And then my daughter woke up and came into the room, ALSO crawling into the bed.

As she climbed up and over me, a trail of cheese cracker crumbs fell from her pullup.

#goodmorningMom #havesomebuttcrackers

Soon the whole herd was awake and hungry and I was feeling pretty well-rested for some reason. Breakfast was served and our to-do list began. I’ve been very motivated for the last two days to get my house perfectly clean and in order.

(( Babies can’t come home to messy houses… ))

Yesterday, while I wandered Costco, collecting my essential grocery items – like 8,000 boxes of tissues and 42 pounds of hotdogs – I began having consistent contractions about 6 minutes apart. Eventually the back pain started up and I felt like I was wearing a belt of shoelaces that had been lit on fire.

I was cranky and tired and in pain and the guy at the register was very nice but also very annoying. He asked stupid questions like,

“How are you doing today?”

and

“Have anything fun planned for the afternoon?”

#thenerve #stopsmiling #jerk

As I made my way home, after picking up my kids from an hour at my parents’ house, the only thing I could think of was,

“The house isn’t clean.”

And then images began to flood my mind…images of me at the hospital while kind people entered my home to what resembled the leftovers of some kind of indoor tornado. I began to sweat thinking of towels being folded TWICE instead of THREE FOLDS. Dishes filled with moldy things at the bottom of the sink danced around the two-fold towels and the sound of disgusted gasps from the mouths of horrified neighbors poured through my head, causing a pounding headache.

#MUST #CLEAN #EVERYTHING

So…I’ve been cleaning.

And I’ve been taking warm baths during the little time my husband is awake before he leaves for work. And I’ve been eating snickers bars like it’s the only food I’ve ever seen in my life. And drinking gallons of water because it’s the only good thing in this world.

And I’ve been crying and whining because my kids are exhausting.

***

It all comes back to the KIDS. Three little human beings in my life, all placed there ON PURPOSE…because I am a sucker for endless emotional, mental and physical torture on a daily AND NIGHTLY basis.

Which, of course, is why I’m currently working on the fourth one.

***

Alright, are you ready for that gossip yet? Have I lost you in my rambling? If you’re still here, be sure to bring out that notepad or simply pour yourself a glass of wine as you are about to feel MUCH better about yourself, as I share some things about MY self…

#idonteventrytohideitanymore #imtheworst

***

I have some things I have to admit to you, Friends. The things are all related to parenting, which is one subject I REALLY like to avoid when speaking (( or writing )) to a general audience.

It’s controversial, for some reason.

The entire TOPIC of Parenting is just a HUGE No-No in my world.

Unless someone SPECIFICALLY asks me for my opinion or advice AND I have EXPLICITLY warned them that I really don’t care to hear of their opinions ABOUT my opinions and that I also really don’t care to ever dive any further into the subject of parenting…and for some reason they STILL want my opinion or advice…

…I just don’t bother bringing it up.

(( …whining about my personal experience as a parent via Facebook or texting or really any other avenue of socializing DOESN’T COUNT here. )) 

And the reason I don’t bother bringing it up is for the EXACT same reason why I don’t bother bringing up politics anymore…

Because somewhere out there, people actually care about these things.

And I DON’T.

#notrightnow #idontevencareaboutpants

But with all of that being said, I’m going to admit some parenting sins of mine. Actually, just sins that I’ve committed TODAY. I like to blame my horrible attitude and constant bad mood on pregnancy, so as you’re reading this, feel free to do the same.

(( I’m not always a terrible person… ))

Anyway, TODAY my kids were bad little people. The Boy was bad – he lied a few times, he stole something from the pantry, he ignored me A MILLION TIMES, he purposely sprayed someone with the hose AND he puked up the dinner I made him eat.

The Toddler was bad – he cried a lot and smacked his head on things and insisted on wearing shoes that don’t fit him.

(( Actually, come to think of it…he isn’t ever really that bad…he’s my favorite. ))

And…THE GIRL was BAD.

She climbed everything she wasn’t supposed to climb and stole snacks from the pantry like the Street-Rat that she really is. She peed in her undies and then peed on the floor as she tried to find her weenie.

(( She believes she deserves a weiner because it wouldn’t take as long to pee… ))

The Girl spilled some things, she broke some things, she lost a few things that I really need to find. She screamed a lot, cried a lot, sassed a lot…

She changed her outfit at least four times. She left floaties in my water and hid cookies somewhere (( crap, I need to find those… )). She jumped from things, jumped ON things and hugged the cat til he puked. She colored on herself and took every single opportunity to be a rebellious little turd.

This morning, I ate waffles with syrup. It was dark and the syrup sounded funny.

“It’s dark and I’m sleepy. The syrup is fine.”

#ALWAYScheckthesyrup

This afternoon, I found a butter knife and graham cracker crumbs in the bottle of syrup.

THE. GIRL. WAS. BAD.

***

There were more things, little things that only felt like HUGE things because I was tired and cranky and annoyed. The cat walked around meowing because he was starving to death. The dog followed me at my heels, licking my calves and shrinking her head into her body like a weird, hairy turtle every time I would yell at her to just

“KEEP YOUR TONGUE TO YOURSELF!!!”

There was a lot of noise, a lot of running and jumping and door slamming. There were a few arguments and some very repetitive “puppy whimpers” as the kids played annoying games, pretending to be squeaky, loud puppies with no understanding of English or simple commands like,

“Stop it.” or “Go away.” or “Don’t eat that.”

#ihatepretendpuppygames

I yelled at my kids. A LOT. It didn’t start until the afternoon when I had halfway moved the Toddler’s bed into a different room and realized that I wasn’t strong enough to finish the job…and it was nap time.

I was tired and sore and cranky and blah, blah, blah…

I asked them to do things and they ignored me. I reminded them nicely with manners and happy voices…and they ignored me. I pleasantly instructed them on how to behave like little human children who love their mothers…

…and they ignored me.

So I did what any average mother might do and I summoned the deep, dark, scary dragon voice from the depths of my soul and I YELLED AT MY DAMN KIDS TO JUST DO THE THINGS I NEEDED THEM TO DO ALREADY.

And they looked at me like I had finally lost my mind.

They pretended to be frightened for awhile and as soon as they were out of my sight, THEY IGNORED ME. So I ignored them. I focused on what I needed to do and I talked to myself as I folded tiny shirts and sorted little underwear…

“You’re doing fine. It’s ok, someday they will listen. Just love them. You just love them and next time make sure the windows are all closed before the dragon-lady escapes.”

***

It’s true, I yell at my kids sometimes. Most of the time, it isn’t pretty. Sometimes I am snarky and the sarcasm practically drowns any sort of potential happy childhood memories they may have been able to savor for years to come.

#ineedtoworkonthat

Sometimes my kid refuses to eat so I make him sit there while I play out the “Here comes the choo-choo!” routine, waving a spoon full of rice around like a lunatic.

#helaughed #andthenhepuked #andiyelled

Sometimes the cat hovers at my feet while I cut up some chicken to toss into a Chicken Casserole Surprise and I accidentally step on him and he scares the living BLEEP out of me and I yell out some sort of awful profanities and then don’t even look around to make sure my kids didn’t hear me.

#theyprobablydid #iveruinedthem

Sometimes I hide in the pantry and drink chocolate milk and pretend I’m gathering ingredients for a delicious dinner…because I REALLY DON’T LIKE TO SHARE!

#theytakeEVERYTHING #notTHIStime

Sometimes I share silly quotes from my kids with funny words attached so I can remind myself not to take anything too seriously.

#ilovethemafterall

***

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I say things I don’t mean.

***

Sometimes I yell and then immediately wrap my arms around the tiny victim of my impulsive anger and I beg their forgiveness after explaining to them why I snapped.

***

Sometimes I look at other moms, other dads, other people living their lives with happy smiles and perfect pictures and I think…

…I wonder if they know.

I wonder if they know that sometimes, I cry in the shower because every time anyone drops anything, it always lands on my toes. I wonder if they know that as I force patience and a kind smile as I listen to my Boy stumble through reading a book we JUST read the night before, I’m actually about ready to throw the book out the window.

(( He struggles with letters and words…it’s a thing and it’s hard for me to understand… ))

#heisntme #icantcontrolthat #icanthandleit

***

I wonder if they know that I’m no good at this.

I don’t post pictures of my kids in carseats because of the comments I know I will get. Sometimes the chest clips aren’t lined up just right, and sometimes I don’t notice until the pictures are long done and the car ride is long gone.

#itsimportant #iknow

I refuse to listen to picky-eating advice because it’s all OLD NEWS. I’ve heard it, tried it, cried over it, punished, prayed, hoped, encouraged…good grief, you name it – I’VE DONE IT!!! Now shut up and don’t ever talk to me about my kid and his eating habits ever again!!!

#sensitivesubject #morestufficantcontrol

I have unfollowed ANY and ALL parenting groups online because I don’t think anyone has any idea what the FLIP they are talking about. I feel like most of the people there are just like me, doing the best damn job they possibly can and STILL feeling like a failure most days…

I’ve decided this is why they turn their attention to the faults and flaws of others.

#itseasier #buildupthewalls #pretendyouknowhowtodothis

(( Of course there are always the people who are just a-holes. Especially the ones who like to give out parenting advice but they aren’t actually parents… ))

Now, don’t act like you were never one of THOSE a-holes…we’ve all been there…

***

I don’t know if anyone is still reading or if I lost you somewhere along the way…but in the off chance that there is someone hanging around, skimming through my nonsense, looking for a bit of hope…

…here is my one and only attempt to put a happy spin on the CRAP PILE that was today.

***

I’m not awesome at the parenting thing. I’m not up to the standards of the Mommy Groups or the Magazine Quizzes. My kids don’t eat all the things they’re supposed to. Sometimes they go a few days without brushing their teeth or clipping their nails. From time to time, I forget to clean their ears or smell-check their hair to see if it’s time for a bath. I forgot to put the lunchbox in the backpack one day, so I owe $4.75 to the school district for a lunch my kid was served but didn’t eat. They call me often and I just keep telling myself I will take care of that…

…dang, I need to take care of that.

I’m also not awesome at the whole LIFE thing, either. I’m a bit overweight and sometimes I take 40 pictures of myself in a mirror before I figure out the right hand placement and pose to make 30 weeks of my 4th pregnancy look ANYTHING but jiggly and swollen. I’m selfish and I don’t always make the best choices…as my daughter reminded me today.

Oh, my word. I really could just go on and on…listing the things I’m just not awesome at.

#butwhocaresanyway

Ya know, someday I’m probably going to have to deal with the consequences of my lack of consistency when it comes to parenting and marriage and life…

…but when that day comes, well…I hope I’m in a good mood.

(( And not pregnant. ))

And I hope that whoever is doling out the punishment is more gracious than I am…

…because parenting and marriage and life are HARDand damn it, I’m trying.

***

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