NOPE. (Part One)

I’m running a little behind this morning.

We took our kids to the local High School for an egg hunt. So far, the best one we’ve participated in, I think. The kids had fun, got a little bit of candy and Jack won a prize!

(( a tiny fluffy white rabbit I’m pretty sure I’ve seen at the dollar store…BUT STILL!! ))


Anyway, I started writing a post yesterday with every intention of getting it finished once my kids were in bed. We spent the day getting groceries and diapers and necessities like ginger ale and ice cream.

By the time we made it to our last stop of the afternoon, I was wiped.

Standing in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store, I began to feel a very familiar but unwelcome tightening in my lower back. Normally, when this feeling begins, it is ANYTHING but unwelcome.

By the time this sort of thing has come around, I’ve left “Whale-Status” behind me LONG before and I’ve entered the “Google-all-the-things-that-any-woman-has-ever-tried-to-get-the-kid-out-of-her-gut” stage of pregnancy.

I already know that none of them work.


But I can’t help it. If you’ve ever been extremely pregnant, you know.

#squats #walks #nastytea #wholepineapples #allthespicythings #allthesex #alltheoil #allthepoop #alltheNOTHINGHAPPENS

I mean, even if you’ve never experienced being super pregnant…you still know what it feels like – in a way – to be so very pregnant and so very DONE but nobody cares because everyone knows you just have to wait.

(( Let me give you an example…the first one that comes to mind when I think of mind-numbing, heart-breaking, fit-inducing, time-slowing anticipation… ))

If you’ve ever even been a kid on December 1st…or a woman ( or man? ) who just KNOWS there will be a ring and a promise come Christmas morning…or a Man Boy who knows his spouse has a new gun, new hat, new grill, new puppy, new…brakes? Tires? Underwear?? waiting to be hidden beneath the branches.

(( we are from Idaho…these are things I imagine might not be the first thing YOUR guy – or you – think of when it comes to Christmas lists…but work with me, here… ))

Christmas is coming. You know it will happen. It’s a thing that happens and you WILL get there. You just have to wait for Santa to get his shit together…and this guy likes to keep a schedule.

If you are like me, as soon as the internet was a thing you realized that magical things were actually possible. Technology has changed at a crazy pace and with that kind of growth, you just can’t underestimate the progress that can be made, here!!

So, you searched…

#timetravel #invisibility #howtochangeacalendar #tricksanta #howtomakeitchristmasNOW

But…alas…you were left with a whole bunch of dead ends. Turns out everybody else is just sitting around waiting just like you. Turns out your searches – instead of handing you a little bit of magic – actually ruined the whole Santa thing…

(( For me, this turned out to be kind of a good deal. I learned to be sneaky – I learned, through process of elimination and carefully, creepily watching every move my parents made – where the presents were hidden. I learned how to unwrap and carefully re-wrap the already wrapped items. I learned to take a very detailed mental picture of the hiding place so I could return everything to where it belonged. ))

Sorry, Mom and Dad. I was kind of a jerk.

In other words, I’m impatient. I’m competitive and I get a weird amount of joy from doing things that nobody thinks I can, will or would do.

I read something from an author that really spoke to me and I’ve never forgotten it, something she mentioned about herself as a child…

“I was either going to become a career criminal…or a writer.”



So, anyway…

…um…oh yeah, groceries

We were grocery shopping and I began to get contractions. But my baby is only 28 weeks along. This means I’m about seven months pregnant, which means it’s much too early for this girl to be born.

(( Jack was a month early after he literally kicked my guts out. Umbilical hernias are real. And they suck. ))

#mineisHUGE #dontgoogleit #justtrustme #supergross

So, as you can probably imagine, I got a little snippy. I started to focus less on my list and more on breathing and getting the heck OUT of that store.

I grabbed the last few things I could remember and waddled my way to the checkout.

#dontTOUCHme #dontTALKtome #dontCOMPLIMENTme #JUSTDONT

Of course, my sweet husband had put a case of Budweiser in the shopping cart and then ran back to get the granola bars I had forgotten to grab. So as I was standing there, placing items on the black-belt-grocery-mover thing, I was surprised as the woman at the register stopped the mover thing at the beer…which was at the very beginning of the grocery pile…and she said, bless her heart…

“Honey, I’m gonna need to see an ID.”

#LordLoveAFlippingDuck #ididnthaveit

(( as if my three children and ginormous belly and irritable demeanor didn’t give away my DEFINITELY NOT UNDER TWENTY ONE age… )) 

“It’s my husband’s. He will be right back. Can you just…set it aside until he gets here?”

“Well, I can’t sell this to you if you don’t have an ID.”

I stopped what I was doing and I stared at her as I held a bunch of bananas in one hand and my stomach in the other.

I really wish I could remember what I said to her. I told my husband – later in the car –  that I think I scared her because I responded with a glare of death and a **insert snarky sarcasm of a woman mid-contraction** but apparently he wasn’t paying attention and I was otherwise distracted as I was talking because neither of us can remember the brilliant thing I said.

BUT whatever it was that I said to her was enough to settle the issue.


She set aside the beer and continued ringing things up. My husband got back, paid for the groceries and his beer and then asked how he could help me.

“Just take the kids to the car. Just get them away from me. Go away. I’ll get these things.”

He stood for only a moment, wondering if he should leave me there.

Then I have a feeling that a hint of my death glare began to show…and he grabbed the kids and they did as I asked.

#heknows #imVERYunreasonablyMeanWheninPain #sorryHunny


Anyway, my contractions eased up as I rested. I freaked a few of my friends out because my phone was about to die at the store and I had to ignore several calls and texts from them.

NOBODY EVER CALLS ME until I’m practically about to drop a baby from my unders right in front of the frozen peas.

#whatgivesFRIENDS #whoevencallsanyoneanymore #notnamingnames


(( Ok…only two friends. But still… ))

And then, after our kids were in bed, my husband and I put on a movie and we ate ice cream and ignored the time. I attempted to write for a bit but the movie was less than inspiring. And kind of lame.

So I didn’t get the post finished last night. And then this morning I deleted everything I had written anyway. Because I couldn’t remember what the heck I was even doing with it.

So now…the post I planned to write…well…

Let’s just call this PART ONE.



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