Momming.

I have three kids.

I am currently pregnant with my fourth.

** Insert your arsenal of hilarious pregnancy jokes HERE. Like how my Husband and I obviously have no idea how birth control works. OH, and about how we need to add a few more so we can man a full court…HILARIOUS…really… **

Also, before you ask – this is our last kid.

Yes, I also said that after each of my kids were born. Because they have all been horrible in one way or another…to the point where I looked around at all the other perfect children and wondered where the heck I went wrong.

***

“Someone PLEASE!!

Come take away these children because I THINK THEY ARE BROKEN!”

***

But really, this time…SERIOUSLY…we are done. With two boys and two girls, I would have to say that it just doesn’t get any more complete than that.

(( NOT FOR ME, anyway ))

There will be no more “oops” moments. There will be no more late night drives to the nearest pharmacy for multi-packs of pregnancy tests. I will never again experience the involuntary submission to the tiny creature taking command of my entire body…

***

“Sour cream?? I HATE sour cream.”

“No, you don’t. Eat it.”

“I won’t. I won’t do it.”

“Pick up the spoon. It smells delicious.”

(( Two hours later, Husband returns home to find a half empty tub of sour cream on the counter and his wife sitting on the floor, leaning against a cabinet. She looks up at him with a tear stained face and points to a spoon beside her… ))

“I ate the sour cream. I had to.”

***

This may or may not be exactly how my first pregnancy went. We may never really know, considering I blocked most of it out…and I have a feeling my Husband did, too. Otherwise he might not have been so happy each time I announced a new pregnancy.

#imtheworstpregnantladyever #eatallthethings #pukeallthethings #cryaboutallthethings #blamehusbandforallthethings

***

ANYWAY…

Because I absolutely refuse to take on the roll of Mother to Five, we are making plans and scheduling appointments in order to make some very permanent changes. Without going into crazy uncomfortable details…we’re both getting FIXED.

And I’m so READY for this next phase of our lives!!

*** 

I have been a stay-at-home Mom for nearly 7 years now. SEVEN YEARS of my life have been spent hovering over toddlers as they climb their first sets of stairs, rocking fussy babies and humming hymns as they pull my hair and smack my face. Seven years of worrying about how much my kids eat, how many hours they sleep, if they’ve had too much milk or not enough water.

#sevenyearsofconstantworrying

Most of those days have involved at least one poo-splosion and a pile of diapers. There have been tears of frustration, tears of joy, tears of exhaustion and tears at the doctor’s office when she reminds me that wine is not an acceptable beverage to consume while in my Pregnant state…

#justONEglass?? #doctorsarejerks #justkidding #iloveher

***

Together, my Husband and I have welcomed three beautiful Babies into our arms.

Together, we have laid four little lives into God’s hands as miscarriages have torn at our hearts and my body.

Together, we have prepared for our fourth Baby, knowing full well that each life – whether planned or not, whether in heaven or here on Earth – each of our Babies’ lives will change ours forever.

***

And after 7 years of devoting my life to my “Littles”, I am honestly looking forward to a new chapter…one filled with fewer diapers and more books. The next chapter will be a little quieter and filled with a little less discipline and a little more adventure. It will have new stories, new experiences. Of course there will be new and different challenges…and hard times and tears. There will be moments where I wonder if I can deal with all that I have dished onto my own plate.

But it’s something new.

And that is always something to be excited about.

***

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Ok, so this is the part where I quit talking about ME and ask about YOU…

** Also, I made a Magazine Cover. Mainly because I was ignoring my responsibilities and wasn’t ready to write yet… **

(( What do you think? Would you read ‘Momming Magazine’? ))

***

Are you a stay-at-home Mom?

What have you found to be the hardest part of the job?

Have you been a stay-at-home Mom?

What advice would you have for Moms who are about to make this transition, from staying at home to…something else??

What kind of Mom are you?

Working somewhere, working at home, Grandmother, Surrogate Mom, Pretend Mom, Someday Mom…etc…

If you’re NOT a Mom and don’t PLAN on being a Mom…get out of here.

Ok, I’m totally kidding. Please, stay…tell me about your life. Visit with me and make me feel like a human being again. Tell me about your hair stylist and what nail polish is trending. Also, fill me in on the bar scenes and what dating is like now.

FEED MY SOUL WITH YOUR SPRING OF KNOWLEDGE.

Oh, and just do your best to ignore the smell coming from wherever. And the cracker crumbs on the couch. AND don’t touch the yellow blanket. The Little One finds that extremely offensive. Also, pretending like you enjoy microwaved coffee will make my day. Maybe even my week. Especially if you pretend like you don’t know it isn’t fresh.

If you’re not yet a Mom, have been told you CAN’T be a Mom or are otherwise convinced that Motherhood is simply something that isn’t in the cards for you…

Tell me about it. Talk to me. I want to listen to your stories and know your heart. If it helps, I’ll just meet up with you for a cup of coffee and we can just…sit.

The Mom Club isn’t exclusive. We’re all just happy that people might actually want to hang out with us still…even though most of us probably stink a little bit.

So anyway, before you go…tell me about your story.

Tell me about your version of Motherhood in the Comments.

Or email me…

allison.phythian@gmail.com

(( No spam though, please. Or sales things. I’m broke. Like…super broke. Oh yeah, no porn either. I’ve seen enough wieners in my life, thanks. ))

***

See you in the COMMENTS!!

Oh…and…bring some wine, too…please.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Janessa Smuin says:

    I absolutely love the way you write! It’s like I am reading words that circle around in my head but that I am not able to write down…not like you can anyways. You bring so much life to your writing 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
    I am a stay at home mommy to lots of girls. Lots being 3…that is a lot of girls right? I imagine
    teenager-hood and I sure think it is. Anyway It is mostly exactly what I thought it would be, but slightly more emotional than I ever anticipated it being. I don’t know why that is, I just never imagined the emotions that would come with the role. For me, the hardest part of being a stay at home mom is being around little people constantly and never having adult conversations. Don’t get me wrong, there is no where else I’d rather be while they are little, but I seriously think I have forgotten how to speak like an adult. Words just don’t come to me like they did when I talked with adults all day. And when they do come it’s words a 3 year old would accept not a grown up. Such is my life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. closetAuthor says:

      Yes, I completely relate to this.

      When I finally get time with any adult, including the mail lady, I just cover them in word-vomit. I don’t even know what I’m saying, mostly. I just need to converse with a civilized human!!!

      It is worth it, though…right?? Not too much longer and these little people will be independent life livers and we will be immersed in adult lives again!!

      Like

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